07/05: The story of Gomer, the bathroom creeper.
Monday was a pretty much normal day with the exception of having to head to my sister's to help move couches and eat some tacos with the fam. Of course my niece and nephew were going positively apeshit because Uncle was here. After being shooed into the basement so the adults can catch up (and I drink a margarita) it struck me.. this shit played out before but with my mom and uncle. Dear god.. I am my uncle and Lins is mom. FFS.
Oddity aside I headed home, got my Warehouse13 on, plunked around on this jackassie insurance project, and decided to head to the 'Box at about 11p. Oh look it's closed, but Jess's truck was there. Mkay.. a quick call and I am in.
We decide the proper thing to do is to head to the irsh bar down the street where it seems a few other bar workers were congregating from a slow Monday.
In the process we have a drunken third party join the group. Jess's associate "Graham"(?). Graham got the pitcher, talked about mushroom hunting, and then proceeded to invade personal spaces and start inquiring silly Cosmo-esque questions. I guess Graham really really wants to bone Jess or thinks they should see each other so as not to have her use too many batteries and bone in the future.
*sigh* Well he stumbles off into the night with a sullen hand wave and hitch in his step.
I getting around to taking a leak and this Gomer Pile looking guy wanders in to the bathroom. The semi-buzzed head.. jowls.. bovine looking-ish eyes.. this paired with a dirty/greasy shirt covering a prodigious gut (and that's me saying this) with basketball shorts sort of on gave off a less than favorable impression..
Okay dokey still peeing here.
Instead of heading into the other stall he stops, turns, and looks at me saying "how do you do it?!". My pee turns into a trickle as this guy over steps the male bathroom etiquette in a supremely creepy fashion. The saving grace is I am closer to the door than he. Ugh.. I would rather not be sexually propositioned or assaulted Monday night in a bar bathroom.
I evenly respond with "Ah, what do you mean?" - readying to zip up and clear that six feet to the door.
Gomer's response "how do you pull tail like that?!". That took me a minute to process that he, Gomer, was under the impression that Jess and I were dating, or at least enjoying the carnal activities. Ookay.. this is taking an interesting turn so I cautiously shake off and move to wash my hands.
The actual conversation transcripts escape me, but it essentially boils down to that Gomer thinks we are the same person. Abet I have eight inches on him, but he has about my bulk... and he looks like about two steps from a jugallo concert. It seems I am part of the large-ish thug social circle now. Greeaat.
His life story is he graduated from Elkhorn High (unclear if recently or six years ago), was about 24, wasn't doing much in life, and looking to find 'the one'. This presented an interesting disconnect since he referred to Jess in inanimate object terms, but I powered through the logic.
I was at a crossroads to either explain how I am not dating the cute girl ten years my younger, or that I try and impress upon him to do good deeds be the path. Sort of 'grail quest' if you will. I figure I want to get out of there and proceed to try and jazz him up to do social, community events. Habitat for Humanity, public park trash pickup, mentoring, walking dogs for the Humane Society.. etc. Things to do for the greater good that he may have interest in. He seemed to absorb this, awkwardly shook my hand, and let me escape the bathroom.
Super duper odd.. but hopefully it inspired Gomer to go off and better himself by working with the community. Of course my concern was sort of lost in a haze of another round of drinks and shots. The while trying to ascertain if Jess is into me - as Gomer would have implied - (which would present a whole interesting host of adventures), or just wants to drink with a gorilla bodyguard. Her random chatter about old boyfriends cycling through her world would suggest the latter, but who knows.
As it is - Gomer, I hope you do well in the world. Be social, get out there, and participate in community outreach you big, dumb, bathroom-creeper, son of a bitch.
Oddity aside I headed home, got my Warehouse13 on, plunked around on this jackassie insurance project, and decided to head to the 'Box at about 11p. Oh look it's closed, but Jess's truck was there. Mkay.. a quick call and I am in.
We decide the proper thing to do is to head to the irsh bar down the street where it seems a few other bar workers were congregating from a slow Monday.
In the process we have a drunken third party join the group. Jess's associate "Graham"(?). Graham got the pitcher, talked about mushroom hunting, and then proceeded to invade personal spaces and start inquiring silly Cosmo-esque questions. I guess Graham really really wants to bone Jess or thinks they should see each other so as not to have her use too many batteries and bone in the future.
*sigh* Well he stumbles off into the night with a sullen hand wave and hitch in his step.
I getting around to taking a leak and this Gomer Pile looking guy wanders in to the bathroom. The semi-buzzed head.. jowls.. bovine looking-ish eyes.. this paired with a dirty/greasy shirt covering a prodigious gut (and that's me saying this) with basketball shorts sort of on gave off a less than favorable impression..
Okay dokey still peeing here.
Instead of heading into the other stall he stops, turns, and looks at me saying "how do you do it?!". My pee turns into a trickle as this guy over steps the male bathroom etiquette in a supremely creepy fashion. The saving grace is I am closer to the door than he. Ugh.. I would rather not be sexually propositioned or assaulted Monday night in a bar bathroom.
I evenly respond with "Ah, what do you mean?" - readying to zip up and clear that six feet to the door.
Gomer's response "how do you pull tail like that?!". That took me a minute to process that he, Gomer, was under the impression that Jess and I were dating, or at least enjoying the carnal activities. Ookay.. this is taking an interesting turn so I cautiously shake off and move to wash my hands.
The actual conversation transcripts escape me, but it essentially boils down to that Gomer thinks we are the same person. Abet I have eight inches on him, but he has about my bulk... and he looks like about two steps from a jugallo concert. It seems I am part of the large-ish thug social circle now. Greeaat.
His life story is he graduated from Elkhorn High (unclear if recently or six years ago), was about 24, wasn't doing much in life, and looking to find 'the one'. This presented an interesting disconnect since he referred to Jess in inanimate object terms, but I powered through the logic.
I was at a crossroads to either explain how I am not dating the cute girl ten years my younger, or that I try and impress upon him to do good deeds be the path. Sort of 'grail quest' if you will. I figure I want to get out of there and proceed to try and jazz him up to do social, community events. Habitat for Humanity, public park trash pickup, mentoring, walking dogs for the Humane Society.. etc. Things to do for the greater good that he may have interest in. He seemed to absorb this, awkwardly shook my hand, and let me escape the bathroom.
Super duper odd.. but hopefully it inspired Gomer to go off and better himself by working with the community. Of course my concern was sort of lost in a haze of another round of drinks and shots. The while trying to ascertain if Jess is into me - as Gomer would have implied - (which would present a whole interesting host of adventures), or just wants to drink with a gorilla bodyguard. Her random chatter about old boyfriends cycling through her world would suggest the latter, but who knows.
As it is - Gomer, I hope you do well in the world. Be social, get out there, and participate in community outreach you big, dumb, bathroom-creeper, son of a bitch.
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